Just a Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Angst Go Down

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

Last night My wife Wendy and I attended one of the three sold-out concerts by the 1990s band Sugar, fronted by ex-Hüsker Dü singer and guitarist Bob Mould at Minneapolis’ iconic First Ave nightclub. Prior to leaving the house, we did our age-appropriate pre-show ritual. We made sure the outside lights were turned on and Chuck, the dog, was secure in his kennel. Then, knowing we’d be standing for three hours, we each took two Aleve – Wendy for her plantar fasciitis and me for my herniated disc.

As Wendy and I entered the darkened club, we weren’t at all surprised to see a largely grey, middle-aged and clearly GenX crowd. We found a spot near a wall that we could both lean against. And while we waited for the show to start, Wendy and I wondered how all these people our age could stand for so long.

The irony, though, is that nothing about last night seemed a tad bit nostalgic, which was driven home the second Mould, bassist David Barbe and drummer Malcom Travis took the stage. They rocked hard from the first note and Mould in particular, never stopped moving the entire show. Yet songs like “Helpless,” “A Good Idea,” “The Act We Act” and others, despite their familiarity, sounded fresh, different and dare I say, more adult.

As a singer, I wouldn’t say Bob Mould has a good voice in the way  Michael McDonald has a good voice. But he offers something deeper, more memorable in my book – a voice that instantaneously connotes empathy and emotion; you literally feel as though he is singing directly to you. And my sense, both from hearing Sugar both recorded and now live, is that almost every Sugar song conveys angst.

Last night, though, the angst felt joyous, almost as if there was a tacit acknowledgement between the audience and band. I know this might sound very GenX of me, but we were all there to prove to each other that we made it through and know that there is so much more to come. But we’ll carry on together, celebrating special moments like the one Sugar provided last night, and with the help of Aleve.

Image credit: Tony Nelson

Sugar and Spice and Everything Envy

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

If you’re reading this post and are one of those people excited that your preferred coffee shop now carries pumpkin spice-flavored beverages, then I’ve got to be honest with you: I’m more than a little envious. Because I love everything about autumn, my favorite season. Except pumpkin spice flavoring, which I just can’t get into.

My enjoyment of autumn extends beyond the surface elements. It’s based on this belief that I’m going to somehow gain some insight, dig deeper into my psyche or creative and intellectual soul, simply based on the season. Writing those words down makes me realize how unrealistic and pretentious they seem. Yet I can’t help but get caught up in the sense of possibility, of renewal, that autumn offers. Even if nothing ever actually materializes.

You see, I grew up in southeastern Connecticut – a part the country long associated with autumn – changing leaves, hayrides and bonfires; all of it. My hometown, Chester, actually wasn’t that different from Stars Hollow, the fictional town in the CW television series Gilmore Girls. Chester featured a meeting house complete with a gazebo, multiple quaint knickknack stores and plenty of quirky townspeople.

I’d bet, though, that the reality of living in Chester was much different than my romanticized, nostalgia-tinged memories. But why bother with inconvenient realities when you can embrace the idea of something.

Which is why I’m so envious of the pumpkin spice latte I imagine you drinking. And conjuring up images of autumn that are likely so much better than reality.

Image credit: Madeline Liu

Disruption-ruption, what’s your function?

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

My wife Wendy and I have been fortunate to celebrate the Labor Day Holiday weekend and, by our standards, sleep in a bit. We were commenting on how it will be hard adjusting to our typical work schedule. Then Wendy mentioned how we’d have to get up early again next Saturday for Rosh Hashanah services. I groaned inwardly. How could I forget?

I was all excited a few months back when I signed Wendy and me up for a 5K walk the morning of Saturday, Sept. 12 to support a nonprofit that holds a special place for us. Then, I realized after the fact that it conflicted with Rosh Hashanah. This incident was far from the first time the Jewish Holidays proved a disruptive force in my life.

I’ll just come out and say it: I think the upcoming Jewish Holidays I celebrate annually are a ginormous inconvenience. Occurring on different days each year, I find them disruptive and disorienting. And for me they illuminate a dark, uncomfortable otherness, an outside-looking-in feeling that I associate with my Jewish identity.

My attitude toward the Jewish High Holidays – Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, has been with me for some time, always simmering just below the surface. I grew up in Southeastern Connecticut and was always either “the” Jewish kid or among a handful. Sitting bored in temple on a beautiful Fall school day during my grade school years, I thought mostly of what I was missing out on.

Then, when I moved up to a brand new Middle School, I vividly recall that one of the Jewish Holidays occurred on the second day of school. My parents made the right decision that I go to temple with them and my younger brother. I still recall sitting there wondering about the locker chitchat and cafeteria seat placements happening without me.

I found the Jewish Holidays even more frustrating when I was in the thick of building my professional career. Sure, I’d send the pro forma email to clients and colleagues about being out the next day, not checking emails, etc. Of course, though, I’d sneak peaks and there was always that one email that I’d mentally chew on over and over again, when my brain should have been elsewhere.

Yet, despite all my selfish woe-is-me angst, every time I’m sitting in temple, I’ll reach this point of acceptance. I realize that everything I’m feeling – the intense pride mixed with shame, the FOMO, all of it, is part of my Jewish identity. I didn’t choose Judaism. It chose me and my Jewish identity will always be part of who I am. And I’m truly, yet begrudgingly thankful, for having the Jewish Holidays to drive that home each year.

Apples and honey, a Rosh Hashanah tradition. Image credit: ReformJudaism.org

Wrist Without a Face; Got No Human Grace

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

You know you’ve reached a certain point in the parenting journey when you start getting hand-me-downs from your kids. Our son Ethan had purchased an Apple Watch a few years back but eventually grew bored of it. He gave it to me and frankly, except for counting steps, I never saw much point to the watch.

Eventually, the Apple Watch began showing its age, constantly needing to be charged. I needed something a bit more durable, reliable. Fortunately, I had just the thing – my Casio G-SHOCK, which I purchased back in 2009.

I was quite young in 1983 when G-SHOCK watches were introduced and never had the resources to purchase one on my own. Like I imagine many people, I forgot about the watches until 2008, when Casio initiated a marketing campaign to celebrate the watch’s 25th anniversary. By that point, I was married, had two children, had passed the point of pretending to be what I wasn’t and just fine with who I was. The G-SHOCK represented my inner nerd that I could never fully cover and only eventually learned to embrace.

G-SHOCKs are big, clunky, ugly and not even remotely fashionable. Yet they, along with digital watches in general, speak to me in a unique way.

So, I started wearing my G-SHOCK again and immediately viewed it as a source of comfort akin to a rediscovered a childhood security blanket or stuffed animal. I also enjoyed getting knowing comments about the G-SHOCK from men of certain age – friends, colleagues, even a guy who came to repair our washer and dryer.

Unfortunately, though the S-SHOCK, like the Apple Watch, began showing its age. First, the plastic molding began cracking. Then the screws started loosening. And earlier today, the whole watch fell apart.

I immediately felt off, discombobulated, like something was missing.

“You’re being ridiculous,” I told myself. “Think of all the time you spend on your phone, or in front of your laptop, any given day. The time is constantly in front of you.”

But it’s just not the same as being on my wrist.

At some point in the near future, I’ll purchase another G-SHOCK. It’s certainly a nod to being at an age where I’m set in my ways. And also acknowledging that we never really grow out of needing that sense of security, something familiar that grounds, or like a wristwatch, guides us.

Pealing the Layers of Positivity

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

“OK, yesterday morning you needed to use the railing when you walked up the stairs; now you don’t. This morning will be much better.”

“Wow, I haven’t thought about my leg at all during the last 15 minutes. Let’s see if I can make it an hour.”

“I’ve kept to walking only one block with Wendy and Chuck the dog. If I can just do another block, that will be a major milestone.”

These are all samples of my internal dialogue over the past several weeks. In late July, a herniated disc in my back flared up, manifesting itself in my right leg. Since then, a combination of physical therapy, light exercise and stretching, and time itself is helping. I’m honestly still in pain but making progress. And I remind myself of this progress multiple times a day, with an internal dialogue that sounds very much like how I began this post.

Technically, I believe I’m practicing visualization.  Another term comes into my brain as well that’s been floating around in the zeitgeist on and off for some time – The Power of Positive Thinking, the title of a 1952 bestseller by Norman Vincent Peale. And I can’t help connecting it in our current President.

As was his father, who played prominently in his life, Donald Trump supposedly was a disciple of Norman Vincent Peale and The Power of Positive Thinking, even having Mr. Peale officiate at his first wedding. My admittedly limited understanding of Peale’s philosophy is that it largely involves visualizing success, or your ideal future, until you make it happen. Bankruptcies? The Access Hollywood tape? An election loss? Simply obstacles to overcome on the way to visualizing success.

Surely, though, my use of the thinking is different in that I’m using it for a more positive, worthy and less selfish objective. Yet I’m fully aware that President Trump has convinced himself that his own objectives are equally virtuous. At the end of the day, is there really much difference?

Wow, I certainly hope so!

While born and raised Jewish and proud of my heritage, I don’t consider myself a particularly religious or spiritual person. I do, though strongly believe that, especially as we age, we find ourselves in situations where we need to look toward something greater to guide us. This requires us, or in this case, me, to stick with what works for you.

Right now, I’m visualizing getting through an entire day and evening without any pain. Walking steadily without limping or leaning. Moving on to different exercises. I know that requires me staying in my lane, figuratively and, in some cases, literally. And not concerning myself with who else might be embracing the philosophy for their own ends.

Image credit: Amanda Jones

The Right Type of Concert

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

My wife Wendy and I had friends over for dinner this past Wednesday. After dinner, we were sitting on our deck discussing the upcoming weekend. Both our daughter Sasha and son Ethan, who just left home last week to head back to college, were coming home to see Australian multi-instrumentalist and singer Tame Impala (Kevin Parker). Sasha is a Tame Impala super-fan, and this would mark the first time they’d seen a concert together.

I was explaining to our friends how I viewed Ethan as more selective about the concerts he attended and shared an especially impactful analogy with me. Ethan is a longtime professional sports fan, especially football and basketball. He mentioned that he enjoyed sporting events more than concerts because of the unpredictability. You don’t know the outcome, how team members will play, if someone gets injured, Ethan explained. Whereas, he continued, when you attend a concert, you typically can locate the setlist in advance and know exactly what to expect.

“Hmm,” one of our friends said quickly after I shared that insight. “He’s probably not seeing the right type of concerts.”

It seems as though, a little more than 48 hours later, Ethan and Sasha had.

In a way, I feel like a hypocrite as I write this post as I’ve always prided myself on not being the type of parent who enjoys living vicariously through your kids. But as a lifelong music lover and concert goer since my teenage years, I took so much joy in watching the excitement both of our kids, especially Sasha, displayed in the buildup to the Tame Impala concert and basking in its aftermath.

Wendy and I picked up Ethan and Sasha last night in downtown Minneapolis after the concert and spent the whole ride home peppering them with questions. Then, when we got home, the four of us stood around our kitchen standing over both kids’ shoulders to watch the videos they’d taken on their phone. I personally put myself in the like-don’t-love category when it comes to Tame Impala but that’s beside the point. It was clear that Ethan and Sasha had experienced something special.

That became even clearer earlier today when our family was driving Sasha to the airport for her return flight to St. Louis. Both kids were noting how the Tame Impala songs they’d heard countless times before sounded different live. And how certain song lyrics resonated deeply in a way they’d never experienced before.

I can actually hear the 2020 Tame Impala song “Is It True” coming from down the hall as I wrap up this post. Ethan’s listening to it in his bedroom. My sense is he’s hearing the song in a way that wasn’t possible a day earlier. If he and Sasha hadn’t been fortunate enough to have seen the right type of concert.

Kevin Parker (aka Tame Impala) at the Target Center, Minneapolis. Image credit: Alex Kormann/The Minnesota Star Tribune.

I’m Back on Insufferable City

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

I’ve never been the type of person to rewatch shows. Now, to qualify, there are episodes of “Modern Family,” “The Office,” and other family favorites that I’ve seen bits and pieces, or most of, multiple times. I’m referring, though, to deliberately re-watching a series.

That’s why it’s been such a pleasant surprise to find re-watching HBO’s “Girls,” which ran from 2012-2017, with my wife Wendy and daughter Sasha, such an enjoyable and dare I say, insightful experience.

Wendy and I actually watched Girls when it first premiered and I do recall the two of us laughing quite a bit. I also recall that we stopped watching after a season or two. My recollection is that we attributed it to two reasons: it seemed like the same episode over and over again and all the featured characters were positively insufferable.

If you’re reading this post and unfamiliar with the show, Girls, created by and starring Lena Dunham, centers around a series of young people in their 20s finding their way personally and professionally in New York City. Girls launched the career of Adam Driver, who plays the on-again-off-again love interest to Dunham’s Hannah. It’s also, based on my recollection, one of the first times that the “Millennial” generation became part of our zeitgeist.

Speaking of zeitgeist, Girls and Lena Dunham had largely fallen off my radar during these intervening years. I had vague recollections of Dunham’s significant health challenges and a series of problematic statements. Then, this past May, our daughter Sasha came home for the summer after her first year at college and suggested we watch it. Wendy and Sasha watched a season or two together and then I joined in, seizing on the quality time opportunity. Then I quickly became hooked.

It’s hard to tell what changed my mindset. All the characters are as insufferable as I remember them – vain, self-absorbed, lazy and often times, just downright horrible people. Yet I find myself somehow able to overlook these aspects and appreciate the show’s artistic elements.

Controversies aside, Lena Dunham, who also wrote and directed many episodes, is a unique talent. The acting is top-notch and the show includes almost countless appearances by emerging and established actors and entertainers spanning Marc Maron, Danny Glover, Matthew Rhys and Tracey Ullman, among so many others. Episodes feature multiple popular culture references and homages to movies like The Shining and Pretty Woman, along with a genre-spanning soundtrack.

Yet beyond its artistic elements, there’s something very endearing about Girls that I didn’t notice all those years back. The reality is that I’ve aged to the point where, on paper, the characters in Girls could be Wendy and my kids (G-d forbid!). But what’s more resonant is that our daughter Sasha and son Ethan are getting closer to the age of the characters in Girls. They’re almost at that point of finding yourself, making plenty of decisions that don’t always go your way and believing you’re so much more mature and worldly than you actually are.

My instinct is that beyond Girls, I won’t do much more re-watching of shows. Yet I do believe I have a newfound appreciation for what entertainment offerings do age well over the years. Lena Dunham, despite all her flaws, created something culturally enduring with Girls that I’ll always associate with this point in our family’s journey.

Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath in Girls. Image credit: HBO

The Shrinking Distance Between

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

“Seriously???” I thought to myself. “You have to be kidding me.”

Last night, prompted by a relative’s suggestion, our entire family – my wife Wendy, son Ethan and daughter Sasha and I attended Fridy night services at Temple Israel. We were getting ready to enter the sanctuary but were held up by an elderly couple, both using canes. Now, to be clear, we weren’t held up in the sense that they were walking too slowly. But they were standing there talking to the volunteers stationed at the door, blocking the entryway so we couldn’t get in.

Truthfully, though, I was more annoyed than usual because my right leg was throbbing and I couldn’t wait to sit down. Also, I realized, certainly not for the first time during these last couple of weeks, that even though this elderly couple were easily 30-plus years my senior , not much truly separated me from them.

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with a herniated disc in my lower back, causing me significant pain in my right leg, that after a several month reprieve, came roaring back. I’ve been going to PT, icing, stretching and following all instructions and orders. Progress, though, has been slow going.

I can fortunately can still  do all I need to on any given day, but my mobility is significantly impacted. When I take our new dog, Chuck for a walk, it’s Wendy holding Chuck’s leash and me hobbling along next to her. During grocery store and Costco runs, I admittedly rely on the shopping cart as a quasi-crutch. My energy level gets depleted quickly and for someone blessedly active like me, I’ve had to retrain myself to, as my physical therapist put it yesterday, “help your back calm itself down.”

Of course, pretty much every time I leave my house, I see people dealing with some form of physical ailment. I zero in on what type of assistance they’re using, whether it’s a cane, walker, or scooter. During these encounters, I feel a unique mix of empathy and fear because I realize that the proverbial distance between them and me is small. And shrinking fast.

The reality of course is that these people have always been there. I just never truly stopped and noticed them.

I of course want nothing more than my leg to heal and get back to how things were before. Yet, and I understand this might seem a little woo-woo, “before” doesn’t mean the same thing to me as I did a couple of weeks back. I need to change how I exercise, how I stretch, the amount of time I sit versus stand, until I get to the point where I get into a new routine. And it’s on me to make sure that this new routine includes ongoing and more sincere and contextual empathy.

On Deck

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

When my wife Wendy and I purchased our house some years back, its large deck was a key selling point.  Extending off sliding glass doors from the living/dining room, it covered the entire back of the house.  The deck featured space for a grill, table and chairs and plenty of room for lounging.  It was appropriately sturdy for children who had yet been born.

We moved in with the best intentions for the deck, which we would christen the following spring.  Reading the paper together while enjoying coffee and bagels, becoming engrossed in a good novel or just hanging out with friends or each other were sure to become regular occurrences.  And all of those things happened with some degree of regularity.  They just didn’t happen on the deck.

To this day I’m not exactly sure why.  The deck certainly remained in the same place, as accessible as ever.  Maybe it just never felt right.  Quite possibly, as it so often happens, the idea existed in a parallel universe from reality.

Last night, though, our family had dinner on our deck for the first time all summer and it was something special.  Our son Ethan, who had returned home from Washington, DC earlier that afternoon, where he’d been on a series of Congressional internships since January, was with us, along with our daughter Sasha and two of their camp friends. We ate pizza and had a really enjoyable evening, and I felt guilty for all the times I rolled my eyes when seeing social media posts of recent empty nesters commenting how their “hearts were full” when their children returned home, even for a brief timeframe.

As we were eating, I first thought to myself what a shame it was that we hadn’t appropriately utilized the deck during the summer. Yet the thought immediately dissipated. Because I realized what mattered was this particular evening.

Then I thought back to all the meaningful activity our deck had seen throughout the years. That time in April 2020, at the height of COVID lockdown, when I was complaining about my burgeoning Jewfro and Sasha suggested I shave my head. So, she ran off to grab my electric razor and then we went out the deck, where she proceeded to shear off every follicle. What the heck; it killed time.

I thought about all the neighbors and friends we’d had over on the deck for dinner, drinks or late evening conversations. The as-of-now three family dogs that have graced the deck. Different grills and the meals – some successful, others not, prepared on them.

If you’ve read along this far, my sense is that you can relate to the temporal nature of summer, especially if, like me, you life in Minnesota where, meteorologically speaking, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yet I’ve found the best way to make sense of summer, especially as it nears the end, is to think of it like our deck. Instead of focusing on all that didn’t happen, stop and appreciate all that did.

Getting a Leg Up on My Misunderstandings

Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger.

Late last fall, my lower leg started hurting; a dull ache at first that quickly became worse. An MRI diagnosed a herniated disc in my lower back. A cortisone shot and physical therapy followed and fortunately I had pain-free spring and summer.

Unfortunately, my leg began again hurting late last week and I’ve been experiencing significant pain. My first PT session was yesterday, and I have a cortisone shot scheduled for this afternoon, with more PT to follow. I’m doing what I need to do and trying to be patient, which is far from my strong suit.

For an active, routine-driven, and yes, incredibly stubborn person like me, the last several days have been hard. Walking is often tough, let alone exercising. I can’t take our new dog, Chuck, for walks with my wife Wendy. I’m learning to let Wendy and other family members help me with things and not insist on doing them myself.

Yet thought this whole process, I try, multiple times a day, in fact, to frame my situation within a larger context. Countless people are facing situations immeasurably worse than I could possibly imagine. Plus, judging by the crowd where I had my PT session yesterday, back and leg troubles are exceedingly common. Right off the top of my head, I can think of people I know who’ve even had back surgeries.

Yet all that thinking dissipates the second my leg starts throbbing. I zero in on my own situation. And, as much as I don’t’ want to admit it, I veer into feeling sorry for myself.

One upside of this experience, if you can call it that, is that it’s made me rethink my views on the related terms capacity and threshold. Capacity to me has always been the more ethereal of the two and I have connected it with maturity. I’ll tell myself I have more or less capacity to deal with a certain issue than I did in the past, convincing myself it’s because of age and wisdom.

Threshold, on the other hand, is more visceral and has been very top of mind as I’ve been dealing with my leg. You see, I’ve always prided myself on having a high pain threshold, which increases my frustration level when my leg starts hurting. Because I’ve convinced myself I should be able to handle whatever pain comes my way.

But, of course, now I realize my views on capacity and threshold were utter nonsense. When I was using the word capacity, wasn’t it just a more verbose cop-out – a way of saying I didn’t want to deal with a particular situation? And threshold – hogwash! Who am I to arbitrarily decide I’m some kind of badass with a high pain threshold? What pain have I actually faced?

I of course want nothing more than my leg to get better and my life and routine to go back to what passed for normal. These thoughts and emotions I’m having right now, G-d willing, will more likely than not fade into the background. Which is why I’m taking the time to document them.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking in terms of capacity and threshold; it’s baked in. But I know, and I hope this post reminds you, that whatever we think these terms mean to us will undoubtedly change. I truly believe our lives are defined by experience and circumstance. Everything else is how we choose to make sense of it all.