Editorial note: Opinions expressed here are solely those of the blogger
It’s really hard when we have these moments where something comes along and metaphorically kicks us in the ass. You’re surprised at first, maybe even shocked. But then you realize you’ve been headed down this particular destructive path the entire time. You’ve become the thing you very much tried to avoid.
If I’m going to lead the post like this I need to offer an explanation. And I will; I’m going to try to give you enough so it makes sense but not too much. Let’s just say there are people in my life who possesses traits I don’t particularly appreciate. In fact, I go through great pains to avoid acting like them. I convince myself I’m doing a pretty good job. But the reality is that I’m doing exactly the obvious – embodying the same traits I supposedly abhor.
Now, I can’t snap my fingers and fix this. It’s going to take time and I believe this post is a step in the right direction. Because I hope it meets two objectives; the primary one to hold myself accountable; the second to serve as a cautionary tale, or perhaps a kick in the ass to you, the reader, if you’re experiencing something similar.
Many of you (me, for sure) reading this likely have heard the admonishment “Don’t make it about you” or “You know; it’s not all about you.” Meaning don’t be selfish. Focus on the issue at hand; don’t shift the blame and focus. But I believe that when it comes to fixing, or more realistically, working on (I don’t believe we ever really “fix” certain aspects of ourselves) our undesirable traits, you need to make it about you. That is the other “you” – the one you don’t like, or try to keep hidden, or shift off on someone else whose traits you don’t desire. Because, and please forgive the armchair psychology, it’s likely the reason you don’t desire those traits are because they’re the very ones you know you embody.
If I was going to develop a plan, or process, to work my way through this, it would look something like the following:
- Identify the moment when you’re trying not to emulate or embody a certain behavior
- Ask yourself realistically (and grade yourself as hard as you can) how the person or people you’re with might be perceiving your behavior
- Make a call which “you” they’re seeing
- Act accordingly
Now I of course have no idea of those aforementioned steps are complete hogwash. But I’m pretty confident they’re better than not doing anything.
Included below is a quote from a 2002 Spin magazine profile on Leonard Cohen by Mikal Gilmore. I tore the article from the magazine, folded it and put it in a notebook. Since then, I’ve taken the article out several times and gone straight to the quote. In fact, I’ve referenced it previously in this blog.
Cohen is speaking of what Roshi, his Zen master told him: “He said that the older you get, the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need. Which means that this hero that you’re trying to maintain as the central figure in the drama of your life – this hero is not enjoying the life of a hero. You’re exerting a tremendous maintenance to keep this heroic stance available to you, and the hero is suffering defeat after defeat. And they’re not heroic defeats; they’re ignoble defeats. Finally, one day you say, ‘Let him die – I can’t invest any more in this heroic position.’ From there, you just live your life as if it’s real – as if you have to make decisions even though you have absolutely no guarantee of any of the consequences of your decisions.”
Now, switch out the “hero” Cohen is speaking of with the other person or people in your life – the ones you’re trying so hard to avoid emulating. Let all of them die, rhetorically speaking. And then carry forward and work on yourself, both the “you” you and others value and appreciate, as well as the “you” that you and others maybe don’t value and appreciate as much. At least that’s what I’m going to try and do.
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